you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
