Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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