I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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