toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
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He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
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I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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