I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
