i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
