Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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