Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
