So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
