I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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