drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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