Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He uses pillows to masturbate.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
