Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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