No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
