dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Randomize
