I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
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To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
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Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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