I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
