foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
