We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
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We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
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We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.