apparently the secret to your success is patron
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.