I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
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Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Be still, my beating vagina.
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so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
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