I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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