forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Randomize
