Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
