Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
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