My room smells like vodka and shame
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
