It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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