I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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