i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Randomize
