oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
