i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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