the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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