You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
