WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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