My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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