when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
