Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
