I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
