how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
