I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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