Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
