I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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