I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
