i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
