if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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