if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
