remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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