I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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