I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
