How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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