the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
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to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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