I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
