i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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