What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
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It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
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That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
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