Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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