i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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