Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
