I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
