you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
