honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
