im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
