No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
